Necessary

I haven't updated this in three and a half years? What the hell could I be doing for three and a half years that would stop me from doing so? Well, my friends, if you are reading this, you more than likely know why.

While she is only a year old (well, she will be in almost 20 hours by the time I write this), had to meet the girl that bore her and date her for almost 2 years and create that. But, of course, in that last year of the relationship, it all exploded. I mean, nuclear bomb explosion.

And now I fight. I fight to bring that beautiful girl back into my life. But that isn't why I posted this.

I posted this because I haven't posted in a long time and have been finding that posting my thoughts of the last day are helping me through some tough times. Fighting with my ex over our breakup, fighting with her over her choices in life (which I know I have no say in but when they relate to that little girl I do), fighting to win custody of the baby. Finding a new girl to enter my life and not having luck in that department. Being stressed that a girl may have entered my life but that has definitely has stalled beyond belief. It's like a certain friend zone girl all over again, and if you knew that story you would know that I do not want to venture on that journey ever again.

I also am posting because I have realized lately that I haven't done anything really to further my career as a journalist. Since the baby was born, I have put all my effort into making sure she was taken care of before I continued my education. Now that I am back on my own (well, living with my family again) I have the chance to go back to school. Now I won't go back until the fall more than likely, but I still want to get back and finish it eventually.

How does that relate to this blog? Well, putting my writing out there is the first step in proving that I definitely can write and write about anything. Now, my passions are sports and video games, so I definitely will be writing a lot about those two topics. I have a little extra money nowadays that I can use to go out and buy some games and try to review them as best I can. That way, when I put together a portfolio of my work, I can hopefully include this work. I may even start my other blog up again and try to play through the NES library. For those who don't know, I made it a goal last year to play through the NES library, finish them all, and review the games and process. It did end up changing to just at least playing each game once and review the game and the process. I didn't even make it out of the A's.

I am definitely looking for ways to enhance the fact that I end up staying up til 4-5am every day. Now that will more than likely change once I get the baby again, but for the most part it won't. The days I have the baby, I will go to bed early, but the days I don't, I will stay up. What a better way to waste my time than to chat with friends and to further my career. Now the thing that I need to work on is making sure I follow through on promises and actually do it.

With that said, I think I will go to bed for the evening, since I have to work at 1 tomorrow and it is currently 5am. So until later, have a good one internet.

Doubt

There is one thing on my mind going into the month of November and that is doubt. I am beginning to doubt two things about myself and the NaNoWriMo thing. 1) I didn't even attempt the ZU one and 2) I am beginning to think my idea for my novel sucks. I've had the idea set in my mind since about August/September and the plot is becoming more and more clear. But, once again, a certain factor has come in and told me I suck. Which makes me start to wonder if I should ditch that factor. I won't mention my idea, since my ideas seem to be made into movies (I swear they are watching my dreams), but I don't know about it. My climax seems to be cliche, but I can't figure out a better one. The other climax I had was even more cliche than the one I have now. So, doubt it looming over my head. But, on top of that, the fact that I didn't even finish 1,000 words on ZU is looming as well. I didn't want to write for ZU at all, so that makes me wonder if I am going to get to 50,000 words next month. Maybe, since I had more time to prepare, I might have a better success with NaNoWriMo. Doubt. You are a very nasty bitch. And that's all I have to say.

Laziness

I have once again learned about myself tonight when I stupidly agreed to close at work alone. I would never realize how much I don't do, and how much the other person does when I don't unless I did close alone. What I did realize is if there isn't two people on at the store to take care of customers and the other random jobs at night, it takes an hour an a half to halfass everything done. I could only imagine if I really put effort into it. The fortunate part was it was only two and half hours alone, and it was drive-thru only. But still, I was alone. The fact is, the store is only run efficiently if two people are there. I did manage to get everything done. The only thing I really didn't accomplish was the backroom, to which I didn't sweep, so it still looks like shit. Oh, and the creamer I was supposed to clean. I can just hear one of the people there now. "I've closed alone before, and I got everything done." Well, that's also because you're Superwoman, and that's not an overstatement. It's more of an understatement. In my two months at Dunkin Donuts, tonight made me realize how much of a lazy fuck I really am. I will admit, I am rather lazy at EVERYTHING I do, but for some reason I am able to get my job done. It was the same at Market Basket, Mobil, and possibly Seaview. Mobil takes the cake, because all I remember from that is me sitting behind the counter doing nothing all third shift, yet everything was done by the next morning. I even amaze myself sometimes. Whether you would like to believe it or not, sometimes Laziness makes the world go around. Being lazy sometimes makes you realize how much some people really accomplish. It might make you realize how much you really suck, but in the end, you realize how much you really need to accomplish to make yourself a better person. Who knows, maybe you'll become what the person who wonders why the other person you work with is so lazy. That's one thing that I can't comprehend. I try to understand why my coworkers won't tell me I'm lazy, when I know they think it. I can "see" myself from an outer view, and I would yell at me for doing the things I do there. Who knows, maybe they don't think that, and think that I actually do accomplish something. Probably the reason I rant tonight. The fact that without me there, they would have a night like I had tonight. One from hell, alone, and having too much to do with not enough time to accomplish it in. And that's all I have to say.

Irony

I am a writer. I love to write and it gives me a nice sense of being. The fact that I can write something, people will read it, and hopefully they like what I have to say makes me elated. But, I am also a procrastinator. I love to be lazy and not do anything productive, while thinking I am doing something productive. It reigns true at home, when I was at school, and at work. So, my two personalities are clashing. I have this wonderful article I want to write for Zelda Universe, but I am too lazy to care to write it. Then a third factor is there as well. I have a very unique case of writers block. Sometimes, if I sit to write an article, I have a hard time finding the words I want to write down. So, what do I do? Irony... How much I hate you.